Monday, November 23, 2009
Today's Thought
How saddening it is to know that it will take world-wide devastation for us to finally set aside our differences and work together.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Reflections In Time
In a casual conversation recently, my father had expressed a sense of guilt over the way he had handled certain things when I was a child. From bits and pieces of the conversation, I was able to extract the idea of being spanked for doing "bad" things - for example, accidentally spilling a drink, or not understanding what he was trying to say to me. I don't clearly remember these things. I don't even know if he is justified in feeling so guilty. I just have to assume a big part of it is an exaggerated, fatherly sense of protection.
If it's true that he really did punish me for common mistakes that every child makes, I don't blame him for anything. I never did. But after thinking about the things he mentioned after all these years, suddenly my life started making a bit more sense.
For as long as I can remember, I've been, in a sense, a perfectionist. Minor flaws upset me. Seemingly insignificant issues get under my skin. I let myself down every time I screw up; every time I don't know something; every time I make a mess; every time I show off my clumsiness to the world. I disappoint myself every time I think of the amazing people out there who have taken one life and done something to help this stunted world... knowing that there is no reason I shouldn't have done the same with my life. One person, no matter their origin, can truly make a difference in this world.
I am an extremely frustrated person. My frustration lies in my disappointment with the world around me. It mostly lies with myself. I feel responsible for each and every heinous aspect of this world. I could have done more to prevent it. I could have stepped up and done something about it. I know it sounds unreasonable, but I feel responsible for the world being as it is today.
This world is a sad place, so I try my hardest to look beyond it to the next. Our future is blurred, then clear, then blurred again.
My vision is not what it once was.
If it's true that he really did punish me for common mistakes that every child makes, I don't blame him for anything. I never did. But after thinking about the things he mentioned after all these years, suddenly my life started making a bit more sense.
For as long as I can remember, I've been, in a sense, a perfectionist. Minor flaws upset me. Seemingly insignificant issues get under my skin. I let myself down every time I screw up; every time I don't know something; every time I make a mess; every time I show off my clumsiness to the world. I disappoint myself every time I think of the amazing people out there who have taken one life and done something to help this stunted world... knowing that there is no reason I shouldn't have done the same with my life. One person, no matter their origin, can truly make a difference in this world.
I am an extremely frustrated person. My frustration lies in my disappointment with the world around me. It mostly lies with myself. I feel responsible for each and every heinous aspect of this world. I could have done more to prevent it. I could have stepped up and done something about it. I know it sounds unreasonable, but I feel responsible for the world being as it is today.
This world is a sad place, so I try my hardest to look beyond it to the next. Our future is blurred, then clear, then blurred again.
My vision is not what it once was.
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