Twenty Years

Feeling good today... Although I still feel like I constantly have so much to do, I'm beginning to piece together a new approach to my life; trying hard to focus on one minor thing at a time. For as long as I can remember, the world has been beyond overwhelming for me to be a part of. So much to take in... so much to learn...... so much to do. I think about the rest of my life - however long that may be - and I imagine all the things I will someday know. Things that my 2015 brain can't even yet comprehend. I think about these possibilities and it makes me smile.

Twenty years ago, I was secretly suicidal; wanting and waiting to die. My world was beyond dark. To put it more simply, I was lost.

But I'm still here. Fighting. I've given everything I have to crawl up and reach the sunlight. And now? ......... Now, I love my life and the moments of beauty I can find in it. I don't want to die anymore. I mean, I know I still will someday, but I've already made my peace with that. It doesn't scare me at all. I am determined more than ever to enjoy each moment while I am lucky enough to have that opportunity.

The "T" Word

My state of mind lately: What can I improve today? (Thank you, therapy.)

By the way, we need to stop treating "therapy" like a bad word. It is not a bad word.... "Shit", for instance, is a bad word... albeit an entertaining one; especially used in a fun way like: "Hey, would you like some more cookies you shit-face?".

Therapy is not a bad word. It's one of the best things I've ever done for myself, and I'm excited to continue exploring it further.

Back When

I often find myself contemplating: Can I love this girl any more? My usual conclusion is "no". I couldn't possibly love someone more than I love her. She is everything to me; my missing half. She completes my puzzle of life. And without her, I'd be a waste of hydrogen, carbon, and everything else worth noting. She gives me a reason to stick around. On top of everything else, I love her for that.

Today's Thought

I'm getting to the point where I'd rather just be loathed for who I am than liked for who I'm not.

I see the barrier up ahead...

Malt Balls

I just had this great idea... You know when you finish your monthly meds and you're left with all these empty plastic containers that are too useless to keep around, but far too rad to throw away? I started thinking... what if I walked around a city park looking for rabbit turds, found a way to mummify them, and filled each of those med bottles up with them? Then I could white out certain parts of the labels and rewrite them. That way, when I have visitors over and they inevitably snoop through my medicine cabinet, they'll find them and wonder why I have a prescription for 40MG mummified rabbit turds. And then if they confront me about it, I'd explain that I was once bitten by a Peruvian hare, and this is the only known counter-agent. Then I'd pick up one of the bottles and take one in front of them, not telling them that particular bottle is actually full of tiny malt balls.

And I know what you're thinking: How would the medicine cabinet smell after three months or so? Well, probably not good. But hey, it's a bathroom and those usually stink anyway.

By the way, therapy is going well.

Class Dismissed

Divide and conquer.

Those in power know how effective this is and continue to do everything they can to turn us against each other. Because while we're fighting amongst ourselves, we are that much more distracted from realizing what's really going on and how much of a puppet class the middle class has become.

State Of Flux

Something I've recently learned about my thought process:

My mind is constantly drifting from thoughts of the past ("If i had done that differently, how might things have gone?")... to thoughts of the future (If I do this, what might the consequence(s) be, and how will that affect my life?"). The future-based thoughts tend to consume the majority of my focus and energy. This prevents me from being able to fully enjoy the present, which is a key to finding happiness and contentment. (They call this practice of being in the present: "Mindfulness"... something I've begun to explore for myself.)

It's funny because I've always felt time itself is just a man-made concept. The past is gone, never to visit us again. The future hasn't happened yet and is constantly in a state of flux, so the future, in a sense, doesn't exist either. One could even argue that the present doesn't even exist... because by the time you identify a moment as being "the present", it has already escaped and become the past. So my mind often feels conflicted about things. This confliction inevitably leads to frustration. The frustration becomes anger... at the world... at society... but mostly just at myself for not being smart enough to figure these things out and make sense of them.

^^^ This is a good example of why I'm in therapy in the first place.