Dear Liz,

You are an incredible person. For the past few years, I've known you only through your brother. All that changed not more than two weeks ago, when you and I shared a Sunday night. No one else. Just you and me at that infamous bar. We drank...... a lot. We talked even more. You told me your secrets and I shared my raw feelings with you. We laughed and joked. We ate those free hot wings they gave us. We went over our plans to be roommates in August. You told me how excited you were, but also how scary it all was. I understood and comforted you the best way I could. I even held your hand as you cried. And I assurred you I will do everything I can to make August a new beginning. Then I hugged you...

Throughout the night, I came to realize how brilliant you truly are. Unlike any other girl I've known. And hilarious as well (when you want to be). I told you how much you reminded me of your brother. You considered that to be the best compliment anyone has ever given you. But I was just being honest... you do remind me so much of him. It's in the way you talk, the way you articulate, and how you express your frustration with the world. It's even in your sharp wit and pessimism. But it's funny how I've never noticed that amazing smile before... perhaps you don't do it often enough.

On our way home, we sang along to some great jazz, each impressed that the other knew the songs. And as I crashed at your place, in your brother's old room, you talked a bit more with me. We soon said our goodnights, and I told you, "come here". And as I hugged you again - this time for much longer - I whispered into your ear, "everything is going to be alright". When we finally let go of each other, I said to you, "You take care of yourself, alright?". It was a night that will stick with me forever. And I've been very much looking forward to us becoming close friends, as well as roommates in the very near future.




Today, your brother called me to tell me the news. It seems they found you in a hotel room this morning somewhere in Spokane. You killed yourself last night...



I feel lost right now. In fact, at this very moment everything seems surreal to me. It hasn't quite hit me yet, but I know it soon will in force. There's so much I want to say, but no words escape my mouth. Your brother and I are completely devastated, as I told you we would be if this were to ever happen. But he has his own stuff to tell you, so I'll only speak as myself....

I will miss you. More than you know. And I consider myself incredibly lucky to have known you, even if just for a short while. You were amazing, beautiful, unique and funny. I consider you a great friend, and special to me in many ways. Lately, I've even begun to think of you as somewhat of the sister I've never had. I took it upon myself to help your brother look out for you. And exactly that, I was going to do. I know we were going to be the best of friends. I just know it... But now you're gone. And all we have left is the memory of that special night.

Thanks for everything... for letting me know you.

I love you.

I love you and I will never fucking forget you. This I promise...


Your friend,
---Ryan

Mix CD # 20

It's that time again. I actually burned this one before going on my trip to Idaho. I just never got around to posting the official claim. Here's number twenty:

• "Dreadlock Holiday" - 10cc
• "Black Betty" - Ram Jam
• "Night By Night" - Steely Dan
• "I Love You" - Esthero
• "Pineapple Head" - Crowded House
• "Romeo (Acoustic Mix)" - Basement Jaxx
• "Gotta Be Movin On Up" - Prince Be & Ky-Mani
• "Not The Same" - Ben Folds
• "Just A Little Bit" - Steve Miller
• "Breakdown" - Jack Johnson
• "Only In Dreams" - Weezer
• "Cherry Lips (Go Baby Go!)" - Garbage
• "Sexy M.F." - Prince
• "Riviera Paradise" - Stevie Ray Vaughan & Double Trouble
• [Hidden Track] (from the album 'Purple') - Stone Temple Pilots

Sometime's there's so much music in the world... I feel like I can't take it. A lot of great stuff out there, both new and old. It may sometimes be tough to find, but it's there. And if you deny this, perhaps you aren't into music as much as you thought you were.

Look closer...

Quote Of The Day

"I am the world's worst dancer... I'm a guy who goes out to the club every once in awhile, and the girls come up to me and go, 'Are you okay?'."

--- John Mayer (in 2003)

I Have Some Good News...

I went out tonight again fresh off my $214 in pull-tab winnings last night, and decided to play some more tonight. I spent $10. I won $505!! My IRA is looking pretty fucking good all of a sudden. And my wallet is thick as hell too. And that's not just because of the condoms I keep in there and never get to use...


P.S. .... And I just saved a bunch of money by switching to Geico.

Erratic Thought Of The Day

Went out tonight. Decided to play some pull-tabs. I won $214! That was kinda koo. So I bought one of the locals another drink when he came in. And I tipped the bartender chick $20. I see her in there all the time. Helps to secure my place as a good patron. Trip went very well. My parents are all moved in. It was nice to make it back to Idaho again. I was able to sneak off for a couple nights. Met up and had some drinks with my cousin Sylina, whom I hadn't seen in about six years. Then hung out and stayed over at my good friend Brandon's place. The next night, I spent with another friend, Liz. We honestly haven't had much of a chance to know each other before that night, but we spent many hours talking about everything. And I had a great time! I now consider her a close friend. I helped my parents for a good three days. They gave me $400 for helping them, before I flew back home. I told them I couldn't accept it, but they insisted. It only enforces my previous belief that I'm lucky enough to have the greatest parents in the world. And I'm going to invest $300 of it in my roth IRA. The other $100 will go to my everyday checking account. Plus, I'm going to deposit my other $100 + from tonight (after paying off my tab). I'll do that tomorrow and see where my checking balance is. I wonder if people even care. Why would they? Oh well. I'm still kinda buzzed. Those new "snack wraps" at McD's are pretty koo. I dig them. But I'm also trying to tone it down as far as how much I eat. Did 100 pushups earlier tonight, aside from the rest of my routine. It burns my fucking chest. I consider that a good thing. And I plan to keep it up every night. We'll see how that goes. I'm hoping to get some stuff planned with friends later this week too. Good times. It's kinda nice to have a less hectic schedule for a change. So I'm looking forward to that. But still, I have worries about a couple of my friends in particular... they are having difficult times, and I hope nothing but the best for them. It's somewhat frustrating to know there's not much I can do to help... I should go to bed now.

I sooooo apologize for this blog. And just think, at one point you actually thought I was somewhat interesting...

Thought Of The Day

Only a fool will believe any one thing so much so, that they then deny any other possibility.

A Little Bit Lost

i know this girl
she's a little bit lost
she doesn't see herself as the rest of the world does
and she thinks she's not good enough
if she only knew the truth
she would realize how smart she is
smarter than me, in fact
and so amazing, she has it all
most girls would love to be her
but her blanket of sadness wraps her too tightly
and it's a real shame
but what she doesn't know
is that she can change it all if she wants
she only has to let go of the blanket
and i hope she does

i know this guy
he's a little bit lost
his dreams are precise; his direction skewed
so much ambition for so little effort
his frustration too often pierces through
yet still his potential shines on into the night
never have i seen such brilliance on a personal level
such an imagination, such passion
if only he believed in him like i do
he might finally see that he's the lucky one
he knows what fuels him, what drives him
the journey ahead could bring him everything he desires
if he wants it badly enough
and i hope he does

i know this girl
she's a little bit lost
she's convinced she's destined to live alone
under thirty, but too old to find a good husband
i can't see the ugliness she insists she lives inside
i could tell her she's mistaken... it's beauty
but she would never believe me
i can see the thoughts of a highly complex mind
and hers blows my mind away
how interesting she can be at times; she intrigues me
if only she could see her as i do
she would know that she has so much going for her
and that it's never too late to find happiness
i hope she finds hers soon

there is this guy
who's a little bit lost
he's often too hard on himself
people tell him how special he is
but he finds it difficult to see what they see
he often overlooks the positive things in his life
instead focusing on every flaw and weakness
not resting until each is found and repaired
he thinks this will help him become good enough
to finally walk in the beautiful light
where the beautiful ones live out their beautiful lives
where happiness is tangible
if only he could see him like the others do
he would know how truly lucky he is
and someday, i hope he does

there is this girl
she's a little bit lost
frustrated and haunted by the past
she sees herself as merely a burden
a waste of somebody else's air
but she doesn't see the beauty and youth i see in her
the energy and sincerity that only come along every blue moon
if only she could know her as i do
never have i known a being so benevolent
it's really quite astounding
she could get any guy she wants
if only she gave herself a chance
and i hope she does

so here we are...
we're a little bit lost
if only we could see ourselves a bit differently
we'd soon realize the truth
we are the beautiful ones living the beautiful lives
it's just that some of us are good at hiding