The Bottom Line

Well, much is going on in my world recently. Let me attempt to catch you up on places I've been...

I'm quitting my job. Technically, I've already quit. I gave my written notice last Monday (if you care to read it, I can hook that up). My letter was pretty straightforward, as far as I thought. It got the point across quickly and gave a good idea of how upset I've been lately, yet still sounded as professional as I could keep it. It went fairly smoothly, as it seems most people didn't just understand my position, but basically expected it to happen sooner or later. Everyone says they will miss me. And they're throwing me a little party/get-together after work next Thursday. Since my last day is this Friday, I hope to enjoy a week or two off before starting a new job.

...And speaking of a new job, I got a call from a different clinic this afternoon. They received my resume and are interested in setting me up for an interview. That will be Monday morning. I'm going into it with the attitude that this job will be mine... as long as I don't screw the interview up. It's basically the same job I've been doing, except this building is barely two blocks away from my apartment. I may even be able to squeak out more money than I've been making these last couple years. I'll keep you all updated. (I know you're on the edges of your seats.) :P

..............................................................................

While I'm on the subject of being unemployed, I may as well share the fact that it has historically been one of the hardest times for me. With my extreme lack of social skill, coupled with my inability to decide on anything resembling a career path, it is generally a guaranteed period of depression. It reminds me of just how worthless I am on the large scale. If I had a true dream to follow, I feel like I would do it better than anyone before me. Yet, it's easy to say that, not to do it. Still, I can't help feel such incredible frustration with the fact that I DON'T have a dream. I never did. With all these dreamers around me who waste their lives not pursuing those dreams... with all these celebrities at the top of their fields who claim they "always knew" what they wanted to be... the world seems to be an amazingly cruel place.

Through my eyes, people look at me and see a lazy, unmotivated shell of a human being. A waste of skin. Someone with so much potential who will only throw it away in time. If they only knew the passion that lies beneath the surface. Maybe, it's not that I don't want to do anything... maybe, just maybe, it's that I want to do EVERYTHING. I don't smile at the thought of doing one thing for the rest of my life. That, to me, is not an interesting life. Unless, of course, I could find that one perfect thing that I would never tire of. But as I learned long ago, perfection is extremely rare in this world, if not unexisting altogether.

Back in late 2000, I moved here to the Seattle area. I had no job. No friends. No life. After a month of looking for work with no luck, I was incredibly frustrated with life. It's not that I won't work, the work itself is not a problem. It's the routine of getting a job that I utterly loathe. So much, in fact, that in January of 2001, I had basically become suicidal.

One day, I was talked to by my father about the urgency to find something as soon as possible (I was living with them). I knew he was doing his best to encourage me to get something, playing the traditional fatherly role, but since I had such high levels of social anxiety, it was more than difficult to apply for or call people about jobs. I took off that morning and drove around town. I had no clue at all where I wanted to work, but I knew if I came home that afternoon with nothing to report, I'd be in deep shit. So I drove to a local park, and parked in the empty lot. I just needed some time to clear my head. I turned on the radio, lowered the driver's seat, and tried to fall asleep. I couldn't of course. Instead, my head continued to race with every thought. It was then that I thought I may as well just end this existance. The problem was, my parents would not be able to deal with an only-child-suicide lightly (who would?). So I sat there for a couple hours in my car, planning... scheming ways to end everything, without making it obvious it was intentional. I thought of a car wreck. Too dangerous for other people. I didn't want to hurt other people, just me. So I thought maybe I could take a drive in the rain on a cliffside... "accidentally" swerve to avoid something, and end it that way. No one would have ever known the truth...

Well, after awhile, I decided on a few of the details. By that time, I didn't even care about getting in trouble at home, so I just drove straight back. As it turns out, a lady had called and left a message for me earlier that day. I called her back and she asked me about setting up an interview. A few days later, I got that job; doing medical billing.

I never told anyone about all this, until now. I only bring it up now because I am once again in an unemployed state. But this time, I am not the least bit intimidated by life. The bottom line??

I am making more progress than I know.

Dormant

I am merely dormant
yet still my hollow shell begins to fill
the magma of anger bubbles deep down
beneath the cold dry layers of emotion

Someday I will erupt
and send my fury upon the earth
Yet when I do, I hope no one else will burn
which is why no one must be near

There will be no predicting this one
no warning, no evacuation
it will come fast and without mercy
with everything i have

I am nearly active
but my threat will soon be over

Fun Fact (Of The Day)

Once, on an employment application, I put "ebonics" as my secondary fluent language.

.... I got the job.

ReVoLuTIoN: Phase 1 ... Complete

On Friday morning at work, I had my performance review. To make a long story short, I gave them my verbal notice and told them I'd have it in writing on Monday. I'm not going to take their shit anymore. I've already applied to a few other places...

Last night, Rain (http://raintribute.com/) was awesome as usual. They played the great expected stuff, and actually mixed it up a bit with some other stuff I've never heard them play. Everything was dead-on. They even played my request of "Strawberry Fields Forever". I completely love that song.

The highlights of the night were probably "Yesterday", which couldn't have been done better by the real McCartney himself (it sounded flawlessly like the album version), "Across The Universe", which was not only surprising to hear, but was also divine, and of course "While My Guitar Gently Weeps", on which George completely nailed the guitar work while singing at the same time. Amazing. That song is actually beginning to join my other Beatles favs. Also, after the encore, John (not THE John obviously) came out in a shower of red and blue lights to sing "Imagine" perfectly, while a Lennon-inspired black-and-white drawing scribbled out on the huge backdrop screen complimenting the lyrics. It was very awesome indeed.

I also received a package from Amazon yesterday. What I got:

• The Ultimate Vacation Collection (The four Vacation movies in a DVD box-set, one of which is the widescreen version of Vegas Vacation that I've been after.)
• Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Season 2 (the original series)
• Esthero - We R In Need Of A Musical ReVoLuTIoN! (six-track disc)
• Esthero - O.G. Bitch (eight-track single)

Today (Sunday), I plan to relax a bit. Work on some computer stuff. Maybe take a nice relaxing bath; haven't done that in a long time. Maybe post a thing or two on ebay. Probably watch The Lion King, which I've still never seen, but borrowed from a co-worker.

Our 10th Planet?

Scientists Claim Discovery of 10th Planet
By ALICIA CHANG, AP Science Writer

LOS ANGELES - It's icy, rocky and bigger than Pluto. And according to scientists who found it orbiting the sun, it's the newest planet on our solar system's block. The planet - the farthest-known object in the solar system - is currently 9 billion miles away from the sun, or about three times Pluto's current distance from the sun.

"This is the first object to be confirmed to be larger than Pluto in the outer solar system," Michael Brown, a planetary scientist at the California Institute of Technology, said Friday in a telephone briefing announcing the discovery.

Brown labeled the object as a 10th planet, but there are scientists who dispute the classification of Pluto as such.

Astronomers do not know the new planet's exact size, but its brightness shows that it is at least as large as Pluto and could be up to 1 1/2 times bigger. The research was funded by NASA.

Brown has submitted a name for the new planet to the International Astronomical Union, which has yet to act on the proposal, but he did not release the proposed name Friday.

The briefing was hastily arranged after Brown received word that a secure Web site containing the discovery was hacked and the hacker threatened to release the information.

Brown and colleagues Chad Trujillo of the Gemini Observatory and David Rabinowitz of Yale University first photographed the object in 2003 using a 48-inch telescope at the Palomar Observatory.

But it was so far away that its motion was not detected until data was analyzed again this past January. It will take at least six months before astronomers can determine its exact size.

It has taken scientists this long to find the planet because its orbit is at an angle compared to the orbits of most planets. The new planet is rocky and icy, similar to Pluto, Brown said.

Alan Stern of the Southwestern Research Institute in Boulder, Colo., said he was not surprised by the discovery since other objects around the size of Pluto have been found in the Kuiper belt, a disc of icy debris beyond the orbit of Neptune.

What's unique about the latest finding is that the object appears to be bigger than Pluto, he said.

"Unless they've made a grave mistake, this is for real," said Stern, who had no role in the discovery.



Planet image:

www.nasa.gov/vision/universe/solarsystem/newplanet-072905-images.html

Samuel Oschin Telescope: www.astro.caltech.edu/palomarnew/sot.html

Thought Of The Day

Like color to the blind
Like music to the deaf
... love has been to me

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