Drifting Along

I should be fulfilled. I should be content. I should be happy. I should be savoring the beautiful life I have.

I have a fairly decent bill of health. I have a beautiful, caring wife. I have an adopted kitty who's my furry, adorable best friend. I have two supportive parents who love me and would do anything for me. I have a good job and enough money in my bank accounts. I have lots of hobbies; lots of interests; lots of passions. On the surface, I seem to have everything a person should need to be happy.

One of my favorite artists, Janet Jackson, once said, "There's nothing more depressing than having everything and still feeling sad." Somehow I know exactly what she meant.

I often feel that happiness was something never meant for me. As if it's a hand dealt to many, but I was never even invited to poker night. I don't want to complain. I don't want to seem ungrateful for what I have, because I never was. But something inside me is just not right. There's a void where beautiful things should be.

I am working to try and fill that void. But it is a long journey.

This journey is very hard.

Eternal Conflict

I'm still right here; doing well but struggling. I'm happy, but somber. I've never felt more whole even though a part of me is missing. I'm hard but soft; high but low; true but wrong... I feel like a walking conflict everywhere I travel. I am split in two. Essentially, I'm always being pulled in two opposite directions at the same time. It's only a matter of time before I finally tear.

A Decade Gone

Well, it's not quite the feel-good post most people prefer, but there's been something weighing on my mind lately...

On April 25th, 2006, someone who was close to me committed suicide. Her name was Liz. She was a brilliant, funny, and caring person. She was a friend. It's now been ten years since Liz left this world, which means it's also been ten years since I was last able to cry. I'm not sure where the time has gone.

I've been exploring my emotions from Liz's suicide in therapy lately. It seems I never really found closure or learned how to properly grieve for her. But I have certainly been making progress. It's important for me to note that I have never been angry at Liz for the decision she made ten years ago. Not once. She lived and struggled through nightmares most other people can only imagine. As awesome as she was, she struggled to see herself in the same bright light that others saw her. I think many of us can relate to that... My point is, just because you think of yourself in a bad way doesn't mean the rest of the world does. We are often our own worst critics. (I know I definitely am!) It's so important to learn to love yourself, and to forgive yourself.

On a more personal note, I also feel it's extremely important that we stop equating suicide to selfishness. I hear this sentiment being repeated so often and it makes me cringe every time. Severe depression and suicide are not about being selfish. (I know some would argue this.) They're about not being able to live with your pain any longer. They're about believing your heart that the world - and those you love - will truly be better off without you being around to bring them down. Depression is the great downward spiral, and suicide is the breaking point at the spiral's bottom. Many of us fall into this devastating spiral during some point in our lives. Some of us cannot lift ourselves back out, no matter how hard we try. All of us need help... You can't truly understand a person's life until you have lived it. We all experience different lives. Stop judging. Start loving. And if you have the opportunity, be that help. We're all in this together.

(RIP Liz. You were loved and you will never be forgotten.)

The Royal Blues

"Hey, I just thought of a perfect nickname for myself: "Prince Fuckface".

"Prince Fuckface" would be a perfect name for me because I aspire to grow to be prince-like someday. All Regal-like and stuff. Not in a literal way... Not in that It's-2016-so-why-the-fuck-are-all-those-countries-still-doing-that-royal-shit kinda way. But just in more of a basic sense... As if the concept of social status was relevant whatsoever to the quality of individual character in the real world... Yeah, I aspire to be a prince. Someday, perhaps I'll reach that summit. But until then, I'm mostly just a fuckface.

Identity

Thanks to therapy, I've recently discovered a hidden trait of mine. 

I mold myself to my surroundings. I only show the sides of myself that my instincts tell me are most beneficial to those around me. Co-workers get the professional me. Friends might get the goofy or generous me. Strangers might get the awkward me. Family gets the upstanding me. My wife gets the loving me... etc, etc, etc. I keep hidden certain parts of myself depending on who I'm interacting with. In that sense, I'm constantly changing; a social chameleon.

It actually makes more sense to me now as to why I've always struggled with my sense of identity. It was always hard for me to understand exactly who I am, what I want, and why. Even though I'm always searching for these answers, I've never found them. Perhaps there's a simpler reason for this: I'm essentially metamorphic.

Today's Confession

I realized the other day that, on my key-ring, I still have a key to the house I grew up in. The home has long since gone, but I still have that key... It's been with me so long, and I'm so used to it being there, that I just think of it as a natural extension of my keys. I suppose in some ways, my keys would not feel right without it.

Life

How funny life can be.

I spent the majority of my teen years waiting, and wanting, to die.

I spent my twenties mostly in a drunk haze, trying desperately to escape the pain of loneliness and despair; eventually escaping neither.

Here I am now, in my mid-thirties. Married. Structured. Somewhat responsible... I may still not have a purpose, but I finally have something to live for.

What will my forties bring?

Fifties? Sixties? Possibly beyond? ... If I'm lucky enough...

I don't know, but what I do know, is that I've never been more happy to be alive. And I secretly hope this life lasts forever.

There's so much I still want to do.