State Of Flux

Something I've recently learned about my thought process:

My mind is constantly drifting from thoughts of the past ("If i had done that differently, how might things have gone?")... to thoughts of the future (If I do this, what might the consequence(s) be, and how will that affect my life?"). The future-based thoughts tend to consume the majority of my focus and energy. This prevents me from being able to fully enjoy the present, which is a key to finding happiness and contentment. (They call this practice of being in the present: "Mindfulness"... something I've begun to explore for myself.)

It's funny because I've always felt time itself is just a man-made concept. The past is gone, never to visit us again. The future hasn't happened yet and is constantly in a state of flux, so the future, in a sense, doesn't exist either. One could even argue that the present doesn't even exist... because by the time you identify a moment as being "the present", it has already escaped and become the past. So my mind often feels conflicted about things. This confliction inevitably leads to frustration. The frustration becomes anger... at the world... at society... but mostly just at myself for not being smart enough to figure these things out and make sense of them.

^^^ This is a good example of why I'm in therapy in the first place.

I Like Me Some Me, And You Should Like Some Me

For the longest time, I've been afraid of admitting to liking a lot of the stuff that honestly has a special place in my heart... or life... or just plain personal nostalgia library. I was afraid of what others would think of me. Somehow I just knew they would laugh at me; ridicule me; endlessly tease me and perhaps call me names behind my back. What I have since realized is that many of them also secretly held dear much of the same things. Why are we so often afraid to admit the things we love? Campy... cheesy... bubblegum things... Why is it so horrible to still embrace the things we grew up with? Why is it so "childish" to continue to enjoy the things that let us escape to our youth, if even only for a moment? I could never stand that look people give me now and then, as if to say with their eyes, "You like THAT?!?". I can't live that way any longer.

I love a lot of things that society says a straight, 36-year-old male is not supposed to like. Like ABBA. (Their "Gold" (greatest hits) album is insanely good!!) NKOTB's "Step By Step" is a song I will never get tired of. I still giggle every time someone says the word "nards". I play video games. I love everything Ninja Turtles. When I drive to work, sometimes I crank up A Taste Of Honey and sing along while I'm wearing my purple work shirt and driving my Prius. This is me. I do these things. And I'm becoming much more comfortable with the person I've become. I'm actually learning to even like me a little, and the extreme weirdness I can be at times. In fact, I secretly wouldn't have it any other way. Of course, I will always want people to like me, and to think I'm a good person... but what's most important of all is for ME to like me. Because if I don't like me, why should I expect anyone else to?

(ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: Uninteresting rant completed!)

Today's Thought

If my name was Barry, and I ever moved to Hawaii, I would totally enjoy having the locals nickname me "Haole Barry".

The Bee's Sneeze

You know when people sneeze really, really loud for no reason...... and usually without any kind of warning? I'm always like, "Hey. Stop that. That's so annoying. Nobody likes that and you just scared the complete shit out of me." But I never say that out loud, I just think it. I don't want to seem mean.

The Calm

Sometimes I feel like I'm in the calm-before-the-storm phase of life. I can't figure out if there's a non-threatening tropical downpour on the horizon, or a catastrophic Category 5 looking to blow apart the foundations I've struggled for decades to build. Whatever comes, I will continue to embrace change for the better. Without change, we cannot grow.

The Speed Of Sound

Sometimes I wear earplugs for hours at a time. It's not always just to block out the noise pollution around us every second of every day. It's not always just my feeble attempt at trying to stay focused on any given task by avoiding distraction. It's not always just my way of going without simple things we often take for granted - like sound - that so many of us never get to experience at all. It's not always just a helpful reminder of how lucky I am to have the ability to hear in the first place. Okay, so maybe I do it for a little bit of all those reasons. But mostly, I just find it peaceful and refreshing. I find it fascinating to experience the only sound in my brain being the rapid electrical signals shooting around within it. It's like meditation for me.

Turn The Page

Well, today I began a new chapter in my life. I finally had my first therapy session. It went pretty well I think, although the first two sessions are mostly going to be just for an assessment; a chance for my therapist and I to get to know each other and begin developing some goals and forging paths to a better place. I've been pretty anxious about this process -- and a little scared too -- but it's nice that it was an easier step than I expected. The only surprise so far is that I ended up talking way more than I realized I did. As it turns out, I'm actually sort of a blabbermouth sometimes.