[untitled]

Nothing has changed. Everything is the same. Still hate life. How can I care anymore? How can I expect myself to care? The highlight of my day is checking the mail. That and going to bed. I dred waking up. Sometimes I wish I never would. I don't have a girlfriend. And you know what? I don't care. Fuck it. Like I give a shit. I don't need that kinda shit in my life. I've always been alone, and it's fine with me. I'm fine with it. I'm sick of everyone talking about their "boyfriends/girlfriends/husbands/wives/partners....blah blah blah...etc". Who gives a shit? Do I care? Good for you, but just because that's what you want, don't think it has to affect me. Live your life however you want to. Just leave me out of it. The last thing I need right now is people coming up to me asking me what I'd do in their place. I don't even know what the fuck I'm going to do. How the hell am I supposed to make other people's decisions as well? I don't need that. I really don't need that. I'm tired of all this shit. Nothing matters anymore. The whole thing with Liz is over. I don't even think about much anymore. Fine with me. I give less than a shit about all that. School? Fuck it. I couldn't care less. I must really be different than most guys. It seems like they're all "oh look at her tits" and staring at any girl. Not me. I don't give a shit. Oooooh wow, a girl.....you don't see that very often. Especially since there are only about 3.2 billion of them. Well I'm getting tired. Just took three buspar pills. Getting kinda light-headed. It's really sad when the most exciting thought of my day is that I might actually dream that night... though I usually don't.

[untitled]

I'm going insane. I can't handle this anymore. All I can think about is how nice it would be if it all went away. And what can I do about it? There's only one way that I really can get away from it all. But I can't let myself do that. My mom said she'd "never forgive me" if I ever did something like that. I've tried to make things better, but I can't. At least, not by myself. I talked to another counselor, who helped a bit for the anxiety, but once again I couldn't tell her that depression was the main problem. I tried to tell my parents, but all they say is stuff like "oh, it's normal" and "everyone feels that way". Oh really? So everyone wants to die? News to me. What a great world that is. I don't want to have to deal with life anymore. It's too fucked up. I love my family. They're all I have. My friends all moved away, except for a couple. And of them, either I never see them, or they get on my nerves, and get off on making me look stupid. I don't need that. I would end the friendship, but I know I'm the only friend he'll probably ever have because he can be such an asshole. So I stick with it and try to tell myself I can deal with it. But one of these days, he's gonna cross the line and I'll be gone. Oh my things too...my family, and my things. That's my "life". I couldn't make it without.

[untitled]

You know what? This is a bunch of shit. Why the hell do I have to be this way? Why do I have to hate life all the time? Why am I always alone? Why can't I ever find what I'm looking for? And even if I did, why would I still not be happy? Maybe I would. Why am I wasting my life? Why don't I know what I want? And how do I find out? Why am I broken? Why am I so fucked up? I'm never happy with anything. I'm afraid of everything. I can't have a relationship. Wouldn't know what to do with it even if I did. I can't believe any compliments I receive, even though I appreciate it. I'm "cute", I have a sexy voice, I'm funny and sweet......it's all bullshit to me, but at least the good kind. I just will not allow myself to think I'm good at anything. Or worth anything. Life is worthless. It really is. You're born, you live, you die. Simple as that. Some people take advantage of this fucked up existence, good for them. I'm glad. But some don't. I'm of course one of them. I don't know how to deal with life. I hate all the responsibilities, all the hassles, all the bullshit, all the assholes, all the pain....I could do without all of it. What's worth sticking around for? Love? Fuck love. That may be what I'm tired of most. All these people with their 'sweethearts' and their 'honeys' and their 'partners' and their 'significant others'. The guy who sings that song on the radio about how he loves his precious girlfriend. And the girl who's song follows about how she's in love with this guy. And the radio stations that play nothing but songs about love. I wonder how many songs there are out there that have 'love' in the title.......hmmmmmm.....I'm guessing more than five. I think I'll watch a movie instead. Oh wait, that's the same thing. You gotta have that happy ending where the characters fall in love and finally kiss in the end. Ahh that's so sweet. That's pretty convienient. Why can't someone write me a happy ending? I know, I'm supposed to do that myself. Well shit, I never was much of a writer, so I guess I'm screwed. It doesn't matter anyway though, because I don't care anymore. I'm gonna die alone, and I don't give a shit. In fact great! That just leaves more love for everyone else, right? And now I'm starting to cry. Fuck that too. I don't even cry much, only on those special occasions. Like when Hootie died. We went to the vet and had her put to sleep. I knew I had to be there, and I wanted to. She was my best friend her whole life, all 12 1/2 years. And she died in my arms. I lost it. I couldn't handle that. All those times she would curl up and sleep next to me. All the times she would close her eyes and purr when I pet her. All the times she drooled when she was so happy, and how soft her fur was........all those things died with her that day, and a part of me as well. She was so still....wasn't even breathing anymore. And I didn't want to ever let her go. But I had too. We placed her in the box. We put her favorite pillow in there for her to rest on. The drive back home was hard, even though it was short. She was sleeping so peacefully. I kept expecting her to wake up and start purring when I pet her, but she never did. She'd just lie still. When we went to bury her, my eyes started watering again. But it really hit me hard when I picked up the shovel. Somehow I got through it..

Mariners Game

Saturday, August 21st, 1999 @ Safeco Field

Cleveland Indians - 6

Seattle Mariners - 0

Attendance - 44,891 / Duration - 3:08

Highlights:

• Not much. Basically, the Mariners got their asses handed to them.

Game Details

Mariners Game

Friday, June 11th, 1999 @ The Kingdome

San Francisco Giants - 3

Seattle Mariners - 7

Attendance - 29,527 / Duration - 2:42

Highlights:

• Edgar Martinez hit his 11th homerun of the season.
• Dan Wilson hit two doubles.
• J.T. Snow homered and doubled for the Giants.

Game Details

Today's Online Survey

1. Name & Nicknames: Ryan....Rybo

2. Birthdate: August 28, 1979

3. Location: Idaho

4. School: Sucks

5. Hobbies: Baseball, Softball, Guitar, Computer, Movies, Music, Video

Games....etc.

6. Color Of Eyes: Mine? Green

7. Height: 6' 2" +

8. Shoe Size: 12

9. Favorite Color: Teal, Turquoise

10. Favorite Song: "Naturally" by Huey Lewis & The News

11. Favorite Book: "Brain Droppings" by George Carlin, "The Shining"

by Stephen King, "Sphere" by Michael Crichton

12. Favorite Vacation Spot: Cabo San Lucas, Mexico

13. Absolute One Best Friend: I don't have just one best friend.

14: Best Friend of the Opposite Sex: And I don't have just one best of

them either.

15: Boyfriend or Girlfriend? I'm really only interested in a

girlfriend right now.

16: Crush: It's okay...I like Dr. Pepper better.

17: Things you like in the opposite sex: Well a pulse is a good start.

Along with all the major organs.

18: When was the last time you kissed someone: I think about 3 years

ago now. Too long. I'm way overdue.

19: What was the most romantic thing a person has ever said to you? No

20: Funniest or most desperate thing you've done to get the attention

of someone of the opposite sex?: Called her. I know...I'm a

risk-taker.

21. Best Friends: Ahhhhhh!

22: Best quality in a friend: honest, caring, sense of humor.

23: Fondest Memory of you and your Friend(s): I can't pick one of

them.

24: Scariest Thing that's ever happened to you?: Well I once got hit

less than an inch from my eye with an aluminum bat someone was

swinging. Then there was the drunk guy who tried to strangle me. And

when I got hit in the mouth by a line drive while playing third base.

And when I was in that car wreck (I wasn't driving). And then another

time, the car in front of us on the freeway did six flips. We were the

first ones to help that lady.

25: Favorite Computer Font: The Terminator font

26: Favorite Food: Salad & Fast food. those two really go together

don't they? : )

27: Favorite Place to Eat: Anywhere that has food I like.

28: Food you Hate: Lasagna, Spaghetti, Peanut butter & jelly

sandwiches, olives, onions, tomatoes, peppers, pork, guacamole, sweet

& sour sauce (probably the worst), meat with chunks of bones in it,

and pretty much everything else that I don't like.

29: Weirdest food that you like: Well I love to dip my fries in

vanilla ice cream. And i used to dip cheetos in horseradish. used to

eat oreos with horseradish & soy sauce. don't mind cheese with a candy

bar either.

30: Dumbest thing you've ever done: Oh, man! There are so many things

in this category! I'm not gonna try to pick one of them.

31: The One Person that Knows the Most About You: I would probably

have to say ME!

32: Favorite Movie(s): Dumb & Dumber, The Shining, Can't Hardly Wait,

T2: Judgement Day, & Back To The Future.

33: Last Movie You Saw: The Matrix

34: Here's the scenario: I do NOT understand this question!

35: Nicest Thing Someone's Done for You: Well it's hard to think of

something because it seems like I'm always the one doing nice things

for everybody else. But there are nice things that people have done

for me. And I feel bad right now because I can't think of one at the

moment.

36: Best Advice Ever Given to You: "You can do ANYTHING you want...if

you put your mind to it"---my parents always told me that.

37: Favorite Quote #1: Well I have a lot of favorite quotes.

38: Favorite Quote #2: (See question #37)

39: One thing you wish you could tell the whole world: Think for

yourself, don't let someone think for you.

40: One thing you hope you do before you die: Get married, be

successful, start a family, be happy...

41: Thing you want to be remembered for: Being a nice guy.

42: What's your personality type: It depends on who's opinion, doesn't

it?

43: Favorite Music Group: Lots of them. NIN, STP, The Rembrandts, The

Beatles, Sheryl Crow, Van Halen, Metallica, Nirvana, Prodigy, LL Cool

J, Will Smith, Coolio, Janet Jackson, Huey Lewis & The News, & "Weird

Al" Yankovic.

44: Pets: 2 cats. Hootie & Alex.

45: Favorite Holiday: Valentine's Day

46: Favorite Season: Summer

47: Favorite Summer Activity: Baseball/softball

48: Favorite Winter Activity: sledding, snowball fights.

49: What you wanna be when you grow up: Well I was gonna say Laura,

but Laura already took my answer. So I'll have to go with Ryan.

50: Funniest Person you Know: Well Jim Carrey. But I don't know him

personally.

51: Favorite Conversation Topic: Anything.

52: Favorite Sport: Baseball.

53: Favorite Magazines: People, Premiere

54: Favorite Toothpaste: Toothpaste is not my bag, baby! (Aquafresh)

55: Favorite BubbleGum: It's been a long time since I had bubble gum.

56: Favorite Candy Bar: Kit Kat, Krackel, M & M's

57: Favorite Stores: Any stores that sell cool stuff. You heard

me...cool stuff!

58: Favorite Thing to Wear to School: My hat.

59: Favorite Thing to Sleep In: I'm gonna have to say a bed as well.

60: Biggest Fear: Growing up alone. Never falling in love again.

Deaths of the people I care about. Embarrassment & spiders.

61: Favorite Inside Jokes: Well I can't think of very many funny jokes

about being inside. It's just not too funny of a subject.

62: Favorite Girl's Name(s): Jamie, Elizabeth (Beth/Liz), Melissa,

Jennifer, Charlize : ), Dina, Lindsey...etc.

63: Favorite Guy's Name: hmmmmmm....

67: Thing You're Picked on Most About: being a huge Mariner fan.

68: Best Thing About the Person you Got This from: Is there really

only just one thing? What is there NOT the best about her?

69: Favorite Words: "cool", and other "cool" words.

70: Thing you Say Waaaaay Too Much: Cool. A lot of cool people I know

say I use "cool" WAY too much. That's not cool.

71: Favorite ice-cream Flavor: Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough, Butter

Pecan, Junior Mint.

72: Favorite Soda: I love all of them, as long as they're not diet or

black cherry. diet black cherry is not one of my favorites.

73: Link to your favorite website: www.Ebay.com

74: One Place you want to go to (you've never been there): England

75: Time & Date: Cool! I can pick any of them? How about 7:59PM on

Tuesday, August 28, 1979...when I was born.

76: What did you do or what are your plans today: Wouldn't that be   

#76 AND #77?!

77: You kiss someone and you're chewing gum: really? When was this?

I'm not chewing gum, I'm a human. I think I would have remembered

that. I DID kiss someone, but i was still human at that time.

 78: What college do you want to go to (or are you going to or will

you be going to?): Uhhh...don't know yet. But don't make the question

so confusing next time.

79: Person you Admire the most: Ken Griffey, Jr. ... & my parents....

80: Thing you most regret: I'm who I am, because of the choices I've

made. So I really don't have anything major that I regret.

81: Number of Pairs of shoes you own: 2 (that would be four shoes all

together)

82: Favorite piece of jewelry: Uhhh...definitely....Laura's ring.

83: Your Theme song(s): "I Just Want Something I Can Never Have" by

NIN

84: If you were a nailpolish what color would you be and why: I would

be clear, because I would smell like nail polish. And so people would

be looking around asking "who smells like nail polish?". But they

wouldn't know it's me because they wouldn't be able to see me.

85. If a movie was made about your life what would it be called:

Psycho? The Man With No Brains? Dirty Rotten Scoundrel? Dumbest? Oh I

know! How about "This Movie Sucks Because It Is Way Too Boring".

86: Color of your bedroom: Racist! Are you talking about the walls? In

that case I would have to say white.

87.      Uhhhh...Hey what happened to #87 ?!?!?!?!?!?!

88: Last time you showered: Couple hours ago.

89: Last phone number you called: I cannot remember.

90: Last thing you had to drink: water

91: What's the weather like: It depends.....where?

92: Last Book you Read by Choice: "The Shining" by Stephen King. And

every book you read is by choice. Maybe your choice, maybe someone

else's. In fact, if it's in school you still have the choice to either

read it or fail...

93: Last show you watched on TV: Friends

94: Where is your computer: On the corner of 3rd & Jefferson...In my

house of course!

95: Color socks you're wearing: Who said I'm wearing socks, 'cause

I'm not.

96: Silliest Thing You've said: Most of the stuff I say is considered

silly.

97: Favorite Smiley: :P

98: Last sentence you said: Gee....let me look in my "journal of

sentences I say each day".

99: Thing you actually want to be doing right now: Just hangin' out

with my girlfriend. (I need to find one first)

100: How glad are you that this is over? Well now I have to figure out

what to do with the NEXT four hours.

Ocarina Of Time

The day is finally here! Today, The Legend Of Zelda: Ocarina Of Time finally comes out! It's the first game in the "Zelda" series made for the Nintendo 64. I've been waiting for it's release for so long...

I've had the limited-edition gold-cartridge version of the game reserved at the local Wal*Mart for a couple of months now. So, since the game finally comes out today, I went down to Wal*Mart to pick up my copy. To my surprise and disgust, the employees there told me they are not releasing the game yet. I told the electronics guy that the game comes out today all over the nation, and that Nintendo has even been heavily promoting today's release date. He began explaining to me that Wal*Mart is not releasing the game today, but rather, on the 26th. I asked him if they had copies of the game in, and he confirmed that they did receive the shipments, and are sitting there waiting for tomorrow...  but he can't sell me my copy because "it doesn't come out until the 26th". After more wasted time trying to tell him that the game is officially out now, and him continuing to assume I was wrong, I was completely disgusted and heartbroken to not be able to pick up my copy of the game from them.

I decided I will never again shop at Wal*Mart.

So I went to the customer service desk, refunded the game's reserve ticket (that I purchased long ago for $10), and stormed out of the store. I then went to Shopko in Pullman and everywhere else in the area I could think of that might have a copy in. Nobody did... So I decided to call the Shopko in Lewiston. As it turned out, they had ONE copy left! So I asked them to hold it for me, and headed out the door. And even though there was essentially a snowstorm in the area, I didn't hesitate making the 30-mile drive to Lewiston. I wanted the game that badly.

To make a long story shorter, I made it down to Lewiston, bought the last copy they had there, and made it back home within a very snowy hour or two. Of course, I began playing the game for the rest of the afternoon and evening...

May the Triforce be with you.

(This blog was posted later...)