Atypical Content

Yes, I do realize my posts tend to be saturated in dismay and disappointment. And while I'm not going to apologize for it and begin writing phony and insincere material, I do think it's a good idea to mix things up a bit. Variety is a dear friend. It keeps things interesting. In this case, at least for me...

So inspired by a friend, here is a list of things I'm very happy and/or excited about recently:

• Plans are in the early stages to get a new roommate in a few short months. Nothing against my current one (she's a great roommate), but a new situation was recently made available to me. A friend, whom I've not gotten much of a chance to get to know yet but feel we have much in common, is struggling back home and is considering a move out this way. I can think of so many ways how rooming together would be the perfect situation for both of us. I truly believe we can help each other out in my ways. As far as when this move might happen... we don't know yet. It depends on a few things. But I do know it won't be any later than August. That's the very longest we'd possibly have to wait. So I'm really excited to see how those plans develop.
• I went out again last night and limited myself to a couple drinks. My justification for going there is now the desire to share some great music on the digital jukebox. In admitedly elitist fashion, I find myself sometimes feeling sorry for the average bar mate. Most of them seem so musically unaware and deprived... I have quietly stepped up and taken this task under my wing. And after being asked many questions about the songs blasting through the speakers ("Who is this?", "What's this one called? I like it.", etc), it seems all the more apparant to me that it needs to be done. People will fall in love with music again...
• I also passed up having a smoke with a couple of the bar locals. I admit, I've smoked a couple times with them, but just for the record, I've never had a sober smoke. And I insist that I will not let it become an addiction. (I quietly believe that addiction and lack of self-control is for the weak-minded). But I passed it up last night on the mere reaffirmation that it's just fucking disgusting. The smell lingers and stains your clothes. It's so rank. Plus, cigarette smoke gives me a terrible headache anyway. Sure, I'll still have an ocassional smoke now and then... just not with cigarettes anymore. I'm placing this on the list here only because it's one of those rare conclusions I've come to. Damn, that "jump to conclusions mat" turned out to be a really good purchase after all.
• I recently ordered (and received) The Beatles' "White Album". I've been meaning to pick it up for the longest time because many of my favorite Beatles tunes are on it: I Will, While My Guitar Gently Weeps, Helter Skelter, Julia, Blackbird, Dear Prudence, Mother Nature's Son, etc. (It's a double-disc album, if you don't know.) I've been on a real Beatles kick lately. I just watched their film Help! again yesterday, and a new bumper sticker is on its way to my mailbox. It will go right next to the NIN sticker on my car. :)
• I've been playing my guitar a bit more than usual lately. My hands only continue to improve in coordination and speed. Sometimes I can't believe I'm even playing what I hear my guitar spit out. It's very inspiring to realize you're making progress in something you've always wanted to improve.
• Also, for the first time in awhile, I feel like I'm making progress with my finances. After receiving my tax refund, I dumped off $400 of it into my Roth IRA. So that puts me at about $2500 in there so far. I know it's not much, but I basically just started. And I've decided to shoot for having a minimum of $4000 in there by the end of the year. Baby steps.
• I may not overly enjoy my job, but I do love the fact that I get to listen to music for most of the day. My entire morning consists basically of three or four albums that I listen to straight through. Because of this, I feel I'm becoming much more familiar with the music I've been discovering and digging. For instance, I've been listening to my two Zero 7 albums extensively. They are most excellent, and so I now consider Zero 7 to be among my favorite bands/artists. I love that mellow, bittersweet, jazz-inspired, groove-heavy stuff. :) I'm going to try and track down all of their other releases if I can...
• Next Saturday, I'm going to see Ben Folds downtown. I'm really looking forward to that! It'll be my second concert of the year (preceded only by the Coldplay/Fiona Apple show in late January). So far, it's been the year of some entertaining piano work, baby. Oh yeah.

Vehemence (Chapter 3)

Okay people, just to let you know, this month is pronouced Feb-RU-ary! NOT Feb-U-ary. It bugs the shit out of me when you either say it incorrectly or fail to spell it the way it should be spelled. And whenever I hear someone say it the wrong way, let's just say their true intellect is briefly exposed. (And the same thing goes for the spelling of Wed-NES-day. How hard is it really?!) Pop open a fucking dictionary sometime.

And while I'm on the subject of stupid shit coming out of peoples' mouths, are we about done with the phrase "talking smack"? It's such a dumbass saying. I don't understand why the hell it became so popular in the first place. Whenever I hear the term "smack", when not referring to a mildly violent hit, I always think of a stupid degenerate frog trying to sell me nasty-ass cereal.

...And what the fuck is up with the term "come with"? As in, "Hey, we're all going to the party. You should come with." This also sounds incredibly stupid. I'm always waiting for the moron to finish their sentence. Come with........ you? Someone else? Who exactly? Who am I "coming with"?? How difficult is it really to throw a "me" at the end of the sentence to make it complete and much less confusing? A two-letter word people, I think we can make the effort. It won't really put you out that much will it? Quit being fucking lazy. And start making more sense.

Not The Only One

I went out last night to the usual place. And I saw Jessi there again. (See 09/11/05 entry) She didn't have her glasses this time, but I still knew her instantly... Attraction goes beyond tiny physical details like that. She was with a guy I can only assume to be Joe, and we made brief eye contact, from which I had an overwhelming feeling that she didn't remember me at all. To borrow a line from American Beauty, "Oh it's okay, I wouldn't remember me either."

Basically, when I'm attracted to someone, our possible future together blazes through my mind in a lightning storm of lust. Within seconds, I live out every urge and desire with said person. That, I'm sure, explains why I am so frequently let down and disappointed by reality. Honestly, I don't know if I'm the only one who has these experiences, or if it's fairly normal thing. I do have my suspicions though... and they all point to me being nothing more than a dreamer.

Jigsaw (Intoxication Remix)

I'm not sure whether I'm happy or sad. Most likely somewhere in between the two...

Jen and I basically broke up earlier this week. We are on "a break", which to me, seems to mean we're done. Say goodbye to five years of memories. It's a mutual thing, as we think it would be good for both of us for awhile. Basically, she introduced the idea and I agreed with it's validity. Besides, the pressure has been building, and it's apparant we have not been getting along as well as we should. Somehow, we ventured off onto our own paths; drastically different from each other's. And we want different things. What can you do? That's life.

I wish nothing but the best for her, I really do. I want her to find the one thing - whatever or whomever that may be - that makes her truly happy. That's what she deserves. In the meantime, we will remain casual friends. We will talk occasionally over the phone... perhaps even hang out and watch a movie or two. But no more spending nights together. No more kissing between her shoulder blades before we fall asleep. I cannot mold my body to hers for warmth during the night. Or run my fingertips lightly up and down her back. No more running my hand through her hair as she falls asleep... None of that. And I will miss it. I will miss it greatly.

If only I could find someone who wants to take over the position...

Jigsaw

Disconnect the dots. Open a new notepad. Take apart the puzzle of my life. Flip the pieces over and upside down. Mix them up and count to fifty...

Now, shove the heap of individual pieces back to me. Let me try this again. I want to make sure the edges are all where they should be. I want to know the corners are where I need them. Don't let me see the box, I want to use my imagination. This feels like a critical time. A time of opportunity. The ground beneath my feet is shaky but stable. And I will not give up today.

I am in the mood to start putting a beautiful puzzle together...

Confessions of A Person Who's All High

Yeah yeah, spare me the lectures. I'm all high.

For some odd reason, I feel the sudden urge to record my thoughts. Not neccessarily out of mockery, but rather out of my continuous curiosity. I'm not concerned about how stupid I may sound. We all know I crossed that line years ago. I am only looking to stay true to my thoughts... sober or not. It all comes from the same place. So here goes...

I am experiencing the strangest feeling lately. It's as if I know the answers to everything in the world... but I don't know the questions yet. An odd feeling of knowing everything that perhaps I'm not meant to yet. I'm sure somehow it's pure ego talking... what little of one I have. But I have to be honest, it's kind of nice to feel confidence in something for a change. I miss that.

Hey. You want to know how to know if you love something? You find it beautiful, inspiring and depressing all at the same time. Let's just say I must love many things...

Dismay

How sad it can be
so sad, yet so true
that i sleep alone
in a bed made for two

tossing and turning
with no hope for peace
while dreaming of pleasure,
content and release

you say there is meaning
for people like me
but how would you know
you don't see what i see

and until you do
you can never quite know
why the torture inside us
continues to grow

of course there are moments
when life is more fair
but those very times
seem frustratingly rare

but still i foresee
that our lives will begin
as soon as we harness
the joy from within